Wanted: One date to Banquet. Preferably a human male between ages 14 to 18.
But I’m not picky.
Who am I? I’m the catch of the day- nay, the century. I’m spunky, zesty, active, animated, bubbly, bouncy, gutsy, full of life, vigorous, and numerous other adjectives. My interests include typing nonsense really fast to make it look like I’m hacking into a mainframe, watching Duck Dynasty, and winking at my dog. I have long, flowing hair and brown eyes that seem like a vast, endless pool. Also, I just got contacts, so… yeah.
Who am I looking for in a date? I want someone who exists. I want to be blown away by their actuality. Their tangibility should know no bounds.
If you take me to Banquet, your responsibilities will include sitting at a table with me. I ask that you’re willing to pay your own entrance fee, but I’m willing to negotiate. My mom will probably want to take pictures of the two of us, especially if you’re a boy. I think that I can hold her off, though.
Possible topics for us to discuss during Banquet are politics, Duck Dynasty, the internet, and cheekbones. Or we could sit in silence. That’s also cool.
If you agree to take me to Banquet, you’ll get a ride to Banquet. (My lack of direction means that our route will be full of beautiful scenery on back roads. Also, I have a pretty nice car. It’s a 2001 Outback.) On the way, you will receive useful information about many interesting topics, like the BBC’s modern adaptation of Sherlock Holmes, the pros and cons of winking at dogs, and thorough descriptions of every cast member on Duck Dynasty.
The following are pros of taking me to Banquet:
1. I’ll make you look good at dancing by comparison.
2. My mom tells me I’m a delightful person.
3. You’ll save gas money.
4. If you’re nice, I might let you hold my hand.
If I can’t find a date to Banquet, I might just wiggle my way into the extra seat at your table and steal your centerpiece. Alternatively, I might start my own table. It’ll be the coolest table at Banquet and you won’t be invited. I’ll bring my own decorations so that everyone knows how much cooler it is than all the other tables. It will be called the Lonely Hearts Table and we’ll all bring cardboard cutouts of celebrities for our dates. It’ll be awesome.
If you want to respond, or if you have any questions, please contact me at schrockrachel14@bethanycs.net.
~Rachel A. Schrock