As the 2015 school year reaches its final stretch, the seniors begin their gradual decline from competitive scholars to slothful piles of procrastination. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the devastating effects of senioritis, the following guide will be of assistance.
- The first stage of senioritis is denial. When first being assigned a 10 page research paper, an economics presentation, or a calculus test, a senior will try to block out the facts and deal with the overwhelming emotions of completing schoolwork. Most seniors respond this way in January and February, when college and work decisions are being made.
- As the initial blow of receiving an assignment wears off, anger, loathing, and frustration control the senior’s thoughts and emotions. Rationally, we know that the assignment is not to blame, but emotionally we want to gather every textbook in existence, bind them with barbed wire, douse them in kerosene, and throw a molotov cocktail full of students’ tears at them. The teacher who gave the assignment often becomes the target relentless whining and resentment.
- With due dates only a few days away, Seniors regretfully look back at their past laziness. We propose
hypothetical situations such as:
- If only I had asked the teacher to be clearer when it was assigned. . .
- If only I had copied off of a friend before they turned theirs in. . .
- If only I had been paying attention in class and not secretly making pancakes on my desk. . .
Privately, Seniors may pray for a miracle from up above that the teacher will all of a sudden realize their tyranny and withdraws the exhausting assignment.
- Stage four is depression. Seniors worry about never being able to put a dent in their mountains of schoolwork. Seniors begin to regret that, in their mourning, they have spent less of their time bonding with friends that will soon leave to far off places around the world. This is perhaps the most emotionally straining stage of senioritis, due to fearing the loss of relationships.
- Once the seniors arrive at spring break, there is no turning back. Senioritis is in its final stage and has complete control over bodily functions. At this point, the seniors accept that completing schoolwork doesn’t really matter. None of it really matters! Their completion of a chemistry lab has no effect on their future career. They are no longer worried whether or not they fail their calculus test. Whatever college that accepted them earlier is not going to deny them entrance because they got a C in calculus on the fourth quarter of their senior year.
To all the seniors out there reading this, don’t stress out over any lingering assignments. Embrace your senioritis! Don’t try to control the senioritis; let the senioritis control you. Instead of cowering under your bed, fearing the scary assignments that lurk over your head, use these final months of senior year to cherish your time with your friends.
~Jesse Amstutz