Dear Esther,
School is almost out and it will be summer soon. With summer comes numerous invitations to pool parties. My non-conservative Mennonite friends took me shopping the other day to buy swimsuits and ended up buying me one as well, despite my protests that I can’t wear a bikini because of my family’s conservative beliefs. It’s so cute though, and I’m sure if only wore it when I was at my friends house, my parents would never know, right? Plus, it’s so hard to swim in those heavy ankle length dresses we always have to wear. Do you think I could get away with wearing it?
– Broiling in Pennsylvania
Broiling,
No, you should absolutely not try to wear a bikini this summer. Your earthly parents might not know but your heavenly father will and he might not be very forgiving if you don’t protect your modesty. Besides, I’m sure you’re incredibly pale underneath your dress as well, making you very susceptible to sunburn. And if you think sunburn hurts, wait until you feel hellfire, because that’s where your future lies if you go out in a bikini. Wearing your dress in the pool may make it hard to swim, but at least if you drown from being pulled under by the weight of your dress you’ll know you’ll end up in heaven.
Stay Modest, Esther
Dear Esther,
I have a serious problem. I can’t cook to save my life. I’m so bad that I burn water! How am I ever going to cook meals for my future family or prepare dishes to bring to the church carry-ins? This is affecting my love life too. All of my friends have been getting marriage proposals recently, but no man has wanted me because they all know I’m such a horrible cook! Please Esther, you have to help me! What can I do?
– Utterly Hopeless in Ohio
Utterly Hopeless,
Don’t worry, dear. Cooking just takes a lot of practice. I would suggest chaining yourself to your stove. Literally, go out to your barn and get a length of chain and attach it firmly to your oven. Give the key to your mother and ask her to let you go only when you are a good cook. It may take a while, but if the only thing you can do with your free time is cook, then you’ll make progress eventually, right? Soon enough, all of the young men will be pounding down your front door, asking your father for your hand in marriage.
Stay Modest, Esther